My latest article in Portland Family Magazine is about Black history. I highlight Oregon Northwest Black Pioneers, an organization whose goal is to preserve the historical contributions of Blacks in Oregon. Happy Black History Month!
I’ve read many accounts of parents of mixed race children talk about how their child had questions about why mommy and daddy look different at ages as young as two or three years old.
Never really gave this phenomenon a second thought because obviously we live in a very race/color focused society. Not having had children, I didn’t have any experience in this realm.
Until I had my #1 kid and he approached the same age range. Then I noticed something.
He has yet to ask us anything about skin color. He has met various relatives from both sides of our families. His playgroup friends are diverse both in race and religion. But still, no skin color or race questions.
Am I doing something wrong? Should I be talking to him more about race? But then I thought, why should I bring it up if he isn’t asking any questions?
This is what I am wondering: do some parents of mixed-race children unconsciously project their racial viewpoints onto their kids? And do social interactions at school and other places introduce non-authentic internal racial conflict for kids that is further reinforced by well-meaning parents?
Many minorities bristle at the idea of colorblindness. It is equated with downplaying or ignoring someone’s culture. But I don’t think so. I think colorblindness is something to strive for and I define it as being able to see beyond race or culture to connect with and accept the individual.
And do I need to say this is a good thing? Well, it is.
But you have to go through a process to get that point. More about that in part two.
There is a petition floating around seeking support for a change in state regulations for natural hair stylists Oregon. Currently, if you want to do hair in most states, including Oregon, you have to go to cosmetology school. However, almost all of the course work is geared toward chemically or heat straightening the hair and you learn very little (if at all) about how to do African-American hair in its natural state.
For years, I’ve thought going to beauty schools (as they are currently set up) was a waste of time and money for individuals who just want to braid, loc, two-strand twist, deep condition or style hair sans chemicals and heat. It makes sense to have a separate certification procedure, like they do for barbers. I hope the petitioner gets the signatures she needs (yours truly signed of course). Not only would this open up more small business opportunities, but it will perhaps create a need for natural hair care schools that can provide the license or certification needed.
I went to a meetup this past weekend of an African-American literature book club I am a part of. I joined last year, but being pregnant and then having a new baby prevented me from going to my first meetup. I love meeting all kinds of people, but it is nice to meet other black women that live in Oregon because there aren’t that many of us here.
The ladies in this group are very friendly and I enjoyed it. What’s interesting is that of all the blacks I meet, there is about a 75-80 percent chance they will be in an interracial relationship or IR. And, true to form, almost half of us in the group have non-black partners.
I love hearing about the experiences of other IR couples. One woman and her white husband had major problems with family on both sides either not speaking to them ever again or being actively (or passively) hostile. They even had a scary run-in at a roadside diner some years ago that involved waiting over an hour for a meal and then having to pay for the nonexistent meal to avoid further trouble. Yikes, right? And of course the nasty looks from people who view you as a race traitor. Fun!
Then there is the reaction to mixed-race babies. Grandparents being upset or puzzled because baby is not dark/light enough or hospital staff not believing it’s your kid because they look white (this really happened to one of the ladies in the group in CA).
The story of my DH and I seems fairly boring in comparison; our families have given us zero trouble with our pairing and if anyone has a problem, they have kept it to themselves. We had one experience of this older white lady, while we were living in Philadelphia, clutching her purse frantically when we were standing near her in a department store. The jury is still out on whether it was a race thing or if she was just a generally nervous person that clutched her purse when any human was too close for her comfort.
One thing we all have the same experience on is noticing the total lack of care for who dates/marries who here in Oregon. There are a ton of IR couples here. DH and I never had anyone give us the side-eye while out as a couple or with our children.
It’s also refreshing to meet other black women like myself that have non-black spouses, which flies in the face of the myth that there are not that many black women in IR relationships. Or another tired one is that we are forever lamenting over the dearth of available black men.
But there are a lot of us that are open to whoever we connect best with, regardless of race. And that was me. But even before I married DH, I never felt resentful when I saw a black man with a white woman, you know, Jill Scott style, having my “spirit wince.” I think Whoopi Goldberg brought up a great point in this clip from The View last year that discussed Jill’s remarks: Whoopi said that for herself, she has always gone with whoever showed an interest in her.
Whoopi went on to state (and I am summing up, these are not her exact words) a sad, but real truth: a lot of black women were made fun of and looked down on (particularly during the horrid teen years) in our community for being too dark-skinned, having hair that is too nappy, a nose that is too wide, lips that are too big…the list goes on…basically being too black.
But the funny thing is that there are a lot of non-black men that think these physical attributes are beautiful. Some black men? Not so much (and if you are not one of these men, I am not talking about you). Like Whoopi said, you go with who shows as much interest in you as you do in them…sounds rather reasonable to me.
Episode 12 ends the first (and hopefully not last) season of the Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl. A love triangle developed between the title character J, her co-worker Fred and White Jay. In “The Decision”, she decides to pursue a romantic relationship White Jay, which I am pleased about.
And not just because I am biased towards interracial couples.
Despite her serious crushing on Fred, J didn’t really have a connection with him. If you’ve watched the series from the beginning (and if you have not, DO IT) for a while there, she really hated her job and maybe Fred being so nice to her (and being a cutie of course) led to her developing feelings for him.
So for whatever reason, when she meets White Jay, and connects better with him. The writing illustrated that, so I am glad they stayed consistent.
Not only do they connect, but there is so much comedic material with their relationship because both are hilariously awkward (a scene during their third date in this episode will have you feeling extremely uncomfortable and then subsequently rolling on the floor with laughter). Plus, you’ve got a unique romantic pairing that is pretty much non-existent on any show, network or web.
I’m really thankful to Issa Rae for creating this series. If you want to donate to help with the second season, click here.
For the last year, potty training our oldest has been a huge struggle for us. About 6 months before he turned two in 2010, he was very open to it and liked sitting on the potty chair. But this interest did not last long; he got bored and moved on. We eased up a bit, but still, leading up to the birth of his little brother last April, he was extremely resistant to even sitting on a toilet or potty chair.
After a new baby enters the household is not the best time to do potty training so we waited about six months. He wore Pull-ups and we took him to the potty three or four times a day. However, he never initiated having to go to the bathroom.
Concerned (perhaps overly, in retrospect) about massive amounts of bodily fluids all over the house, I was really hesitant about letting him wear regular underwear or going bare-bottomed. But leading up the last week in December, we starting thinking he needs to wear something where he can feel being wet.
So DH researched a little and found SuperUndies, a brand of training pants that are supposed to keep the mess in but the child feels it when they are soiled. So we bought a couple from a place in Hillsboro called My Precious Kid. December 26 was the first day with no Pull-ups (except at night or during a nap).
Only, the SuperUndies kind of acted the same as the Pull-ups. After two days, he was still peeing and going about his business, totally oblivious.
A while back, we bought some Gerber training underwear that has some extra padding in the front, but if he peed in these, he would definitely feel wet and there would be puddles. We had plenty of those, so we started using them instead. Within the same amount of time that we were using the SuperUndies (two days), he starting telling us when he had to pee. I think it was due to the accidents he had in these, feeling wet and us staying on the course (we tried the Gerber’s before, but after a day of constant accidents, we chickened out). We also used an itzbeen timer that went off every hour that signaled potty time.
So now, a week later, he might have one or two accidents during the day, but more times than not tells us when he has to pee, sometimes before the timer goes off. We’re going to now stretch the time out to two hours. Still working on BM’s, but he isn’t resistant to sitting on the potty to try to go in it. To avoid constipation, we let him go in his underwear if he is adamant about doing that.
So we’ve made some astronomical strides in the potty department. What I’ve learned is that Pull-ups are useless, by and large. Maybe they are ok for some kids who are extremely sensitive to to their pants being soiled, but some, like our oldest, don’t care. They need to have it pretty much running down their legs before they can make the connections between that and the feeling of having to go.
I hope that by this summer, he is totally trained. Now using public bathrooms with him? Ugh. That is going to be another thing to get used to!
I went to a free parenting/teaching workshop last night that talked about how everyone, but particularly kids, learn. Very interesting. The info is from educator Cynthia Tobias.
These are the three learning styles:
1. Visual (lots of color, images, etc.)
2. Auditory (need to talk)
3. Kinesthetic (need to move)
Most schools are geared toward the visual. So, as you might guess, the second and third type of learners have a lot of problems in school and get into trouble for either talking too much or being too active. These kids would probably do better being homeschooled (if their parent is not stuck in the there-is-only-one-way-to-learn matrix).
At a little over 3.5, it’s hard to tell which style my #1 son prefers, but the workshop reminded me to start paying attention now. I also thought about how I learn best. I am a visual learner. I also like the lighting a little on the dim side, need a drink/snack and to be generally nestled while reading/studying.
What is your learning style? What type of environment helps you learn best?
Whether or not to spank your kids is a hot topic. I’d say most Americans think spanking is okay. Many others consider it abuse. Some are on the fence.
I recently read a blog post from Demand Euphoria about this disconnect some have between kind of thinking spanking is ok…but kind of not….but kind of is…in extreme cases…
You get the drift. There is conflict.
I know how that feels. Both my husband and I were spanked. For me, by the time I came along my mom lost the desire to continue with this line of discipline because she said she hated it.
Mom did follow through on not spanking as much or for as petty reasons as her mother did (e.g. eye-rolling). But my grandmother’s perspective (she passed away earlier this year) also shifted in older age; she said many times that in retrospect, spanking did nothing to improve behavior.
We don’t want to think badly of our parents if in all other areas, they were kind to us. But, as the blogger from Demand Euphoria said, our parents are human and they just didn’t know any better. Thinking they were wrong for spanking, doesn’t mean you have to hate your parents.
I love making large main courses that last for a couple of days. This week I am making two dishes:
1. Ground beef lasagna
2. Pot roast with rutabagas, beets and onions (in the Crockpot)
I found a recipe online for a pot roast that I’m trying; my version will be a bit different though. If it’s good, I’ll post the recipe and link back to my inspiration.
Dr. Phil comes on during the boys’ naps, so sometimes I watch it. Today was an episode in his domestic violence series where the wife, Sara, was the aggressor and the husband, Quinn, was the victim.
The abuse was awful; physical and emotional abuse to the max. She has raged at their children. He went on a second tour of duty in Iraq just to get away from the drama (seriously, wtf? damn…). She also committed adultery. And physically assaulted his mother, after which she threatened to kill her if Quinn called the police.
I’m really glad that Dr. Phil is highlighting the fact that men can be abused by their female partners.
However, still got a few issues:
1. I guess since there was no way to directly deny any of the allegations against her, Sara cries and blames her parents for the entire show.
I am all for recognizing past (or current) parental/home dysfunction. Really. In fact, if people did this more, they’d be much happier. But, at some point you have to move on, take responsibility for your actions, and unlearn the dysfunction.
2. I just didn’t feel the seriousness. Sara got way more understanding from Dr. Phil than she would have if she were male. He said he was sorry for whatever bad treatment she suffered as a child. And even though Quinn was pretty much done with her, all these years both he and extended family have put up with this nonsense way too long. If she were a guy, she’d be in prison still (she was arrested for domestic violence twice).
3. Dr. Phil’s advice? Don’t divorce her yet, give us 45 days to fix her. What? Again, if this were a dude…
But, in Dr. Phil’s defense, Sara put on a great act (imo). The crying, claiming abuse from her parents (which I don’t doubt, actually), the contriteness with just barely a hint of defensiveness, exclaiming she couldn’t believe she said/did [insert horrible thing]. And finally, she insists she wants help. I suppose Dr. Phil has to take her at her word. And he did tell Quinn not to let her near the children unsupervised.
I feel sorry for Quinn because you could see he was at the end of his rope. Too much has gone down (she beat up his mom!). Personally, I think he needs to drop her. Because they have children, he has an investment in her getting better, but that doesn’t mean he has to stay married to her.
Plus, her motivation for getting better needs to be for herself and the welfare of the kiddos, not to keep a man. I have a feeling the later is true; she was fairly confident he doesn’t truly want a divorce.
And to him I say, good luck with that.
